i still don't understand

[mayalaen]

Okay it escalated quickly from there with dinner.

The basics are:

1) I’ve taken dignity and autonomy from my dad because -- and we agreed on this back when the pan/demic first started that I’m the one who deals with cleaning food coming in the house, anyone coming to the door, etc. because I’m the most ridiculous when it comes to germs and the most knowledgeable when it comes to cross contamination. “You won’t even let me answer the door and you tell me when I’m scratching my sores!” I’ve never physically stopped him from answering the door, I just answer the door like we agreed to. And I mention the scratching because HE ASKED ME TO since he’s breaking open healing sores

2) I’ve taken my mom’s dignity, voice, and self-worth because I let other people shut her down even though I don’t do it myself and I’m not asking others to do it

3) I control everything

4) I cook dinner too late in the day because apparently I want to torture them instead of quitting work at 3-4pm and starting dinner immediately, I stop work when the shop closes at 5pm and start dinner then

5) I don’t listen to either one of them even though that’s all I ever do is listen and they won’t ever shut up, especially my dad about his own problems that he obsesses over

6) I dismiss all of their problems

And like I know I don’t understand human behavior and emotions well, but is this real? Am I the jerk?

Am I taking their dignity and autonomy because I answer the front door wearing a mask and am careful about wiping things down when my parents forget to wear a mask and cross contaminate without even realizing it? When we agreed that’s how we’d do things? And they never mentioned they DON’T like that arrangement?

Am I torturing them by cooking them dinner and serving it at 6-7pm instead of 4-5pm?

Am I supposed to control how OTHER PEOPLE talk to them?

Am I dismissing their problems and their voice by listening to everything they say (maybe it’s because of the schizophrenia but I don’t have the ability to tune people out) and trying to fix any issues and helping them with stuff?

I feel like if I had a normal brain I would understand all of this, know what to do about it, or it wouldn’t have happened in the first place.

Do non-schizophrenics just GET this? Do you empathize and sympathize and understand how when I put X + Y into the mix it comes out as something that isn’t even an answer in the book?

I’m so confused.

Are they just overly emotional and hurt by other things and are taking it out on me? I know people do that and they don’t mean to hurt the people they take it out on, and if that’s what this is I can just go okay it’s not directed at me I’m just collateral damage.

But if it’s me, how do I change this?

Comments

[amalthia]

I think they are taking things out on you. Honestly they are grown ups, if they are hungry because diner is at 6-7pm they can eat a snack at 3pm or maybe make dinner for the family instead? It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Also, it's your mom's job to stand up for herself too. You can support her as she learns to speak for herself but at a certain point in everyone's life they need to speak for themselves and be their own advocate.

If your mom feels like people are shutting her down she needs to speak back and say no, this is my communication style. Though honestly, if her communication style gives her a heart-attack she may need to reevaluate her communication style. But that's on her, you've done your best to let her know that her style may be impacting her health if she doesn't change, it sounds like doctor's have told her, and now it's up to her to change if she wants to or not.

As for your dad and mom saying you don't listen maybe bring that up as a topic with the therapist to address. It's possible the way you listen isn't the way your parents expect for a listener? Or your parents are losing track of the amount of time you are listening. If you're doing dishes while listening your parents may not think of that as "listening" time. A therapist may help you identify why there is this disconnect.

Not sure how the Covid vaccinations are going in your area but if you're close to getting vaccinated, letting your parents know the end is in sight may help them in the face of the care you're taking to prevent your family from catching Covid. Though now that the CDC has come out and said it's airborne you may not have to be vigilant about washing everything that's coming into the house. From what I read it sounds like wearing the mask is more important to not catch Covid.

You are a person, not a doormat. Don't be afraid to set your own boundaries and stand up for yourself. Parents are people too, they aren't always right.

[amalthia]

p.s. I don't think you need to change. Also, half of my advice is easier said than done, especially when it comes to family.

Hugs.

[mayalaen]

I had to come back and thank you for your comments. I've read them several times since you posted them, and it really helped. The situation is better now, but it was so tense for that whole week that I couldn't really function well, and coming back to thank you at that time was too much.

Thank you :)

[amalthia]

I'm so glad you're doing better this week. Hugs and good luck.