Mayalaen

One of my favorite things to do is obvious stupid teasing.

Like yesterday when I was ordering a new cushion for my mom’s chair and I was like okay do you want it delivered for free on 09/07, for $30 on $09/02, or $60 on 09/01?

I know she wants free. We’re cheap and patient. But I completely ignore her when she says “free.”

“Sixty dollars? Are you sure? Do we really need it THAT fast?”

“FREE!!”

“Oh, you wanted it in time for your anniversary. Okay, $60 is worth it, I guess.”

“You heard me say free. Free shipping. I’ll wait.”

“Wait. What? Sixty is too much so you’ll take the expedited $30 shipping?”

“MAYA I WANT IT FREE”

“Oh, okay. I misheard you. Sixty it is.”

“MAYA”

“Personally I think that’s a lot of money for shipping, but you’re the boss.”

“MAYA”

“Sounds like a pretty spoiled, privileged thing to do -- spending $60 on shipping to get a cushion within 2 days, but it’s not my place to say.”

“FREE”

“Okay I finished paying for it. You should get a confirmation email soon. And the package will be here on the 1st.”

“I WANTED FREE SHIPPING”

“Oh! You should’ve said something! Too late now!”

While my dad tries and fails to ignore us on the couch. “You guys are ridiculous.”

Because we both know I’m teasing. It’s stupid. But by the end we’re always both laughing and my dad is rolling his eyes and wondering why he comes out of his room ever.

Addicts are drawn to tattoo artists because tattoo artists treat people like human beings even when others won’t (a lot of them are recovered addicts themselves), and they also don’t have qualms about buying stuff off them if it’s decent.

I just gotta be careful because some of them like to dump their entire backpack of loot onto the table in the lobby, and it’s usually dirty, so most of them in the area know they can only pull one or two things out at a time, show it off, and put it back, not dump all their inventory.

Yesterday an addict came up to Ash, one of my artists, with a canvas bag and in an over-the-top secretive way leaned in and slowly pulled a bottle of Tide partway out of the bag.

“This sells for $20 but I’ll let you have it for $10.″

It was so over the top secretive that Ash had to work very hard not to laugh. He didn’t want to insult the guy, but it was like the dude was trying to do a super secret drug deal, worried there were cops watching from the corner or something. For a bottle of Tide.

Ash didn’t want it so he politely said he wasn’t interested.

“Oh is it because you a Gain man?” was the response

Ash lost his cool and ended up laughing so hard he doubled over.

He gave the guy a $20, took the Tide, let him have one of his cigarettes, and stood outside chatting with the guy while they smoked.

mom: OH i was imagining this earlier - this is funny!

me: okay

mom: i’m dead, you’re alone, and you’re driving down the freeway in your fifth wheel with your dog, and you’ve got your “thinking outside the box” reminder on your dashboard

me *laughing so hard i scared the dog*:  WAIT you just said “this is funny - i’m dead and you’re alone!”

mom: no the funny part was you had this little reminder of me telling you to think outside the box right on your dashboard!

me: i know but we’re so weird that not only do we say stuff like this but we also think it’s funny like who does that?!

mom: people who have very boring lives and don’t laugh enough!