Mayalaen

charlie (my uncle): those cock rings you guys told me to try really suck

madelyn (my mom): why?

charlie: the medium one seemed too loose because it let my dick get a little softer so i used the small one and now the base of my dick is sore

me: how long ago did that happen?

charlie: three days ago

me: yeah that’s not right you probably bruised your dick with a too-tight cock ring - why did you use the small one?!

charlie: well i’m short but fat so i figured-

madelyn: what does length have to do with diameter?!

charlie: ... i don’t know

me: let it heal for like a week and try again but use the medium one - all you’re trying to do is mildly restrict blood flow not choke your dick until it falls off

charlie: okay but they’re also hard to get off

me: oh well they’ve got ones with little handles on either side

madelyn: NO DON’T USE THOSE!!

charlie: this should be good

me: do tell!

madelyn: sometimes the handles rip off if you’re pulling out to the sides too far

charlie: how hard did you laugh at him?

me: and how mad did dad get when you laughed?

madelyn: he was too distracted by the pain to get mad at me but i was laughing hard enough i almost fell off the bed

All my cousins suck. I keep thinking one of them might be redeemable, but they prove me wrong constantly.

Meagan (Marissa’s daughter and Charlie’s step-daughter) is an alcoholic who constantly gets herself into stupid shit.

Every boyfriend she’s ever had, and she’s had a lot, is pretty much the same guy.

Here’s how the relationship goes:

• meet a guy who works/goes where you do
• party with the guy whether he’s your boss, workmate, or whatever he’s doing in life
• quickly move in with the guy either in his place or get a place together
• decide you don’t want to party anymore and he shouldn’t either
• play sick twisted mind games with him constantly until you drive him crazy or send him deeper into alcohol or drug addiction
• continue being so ridiculous to everyone around you that you lose your job and the cops are called out to your place on a regular basis to get you to shut the fuck up and stop harassing the neighbors and their pets and stop passing out on their lawns or banging on their doors and windows screaming to be let in thinking it’s your place
• suddenly freak out and cry to everyone who will listen that he’s “beating the crap out of me HELP!!” even though you never bruises (she bruises VERY easily) and your boyfriends are usually the ones with the bruises -- (her ex-husband had cuts on him and a split lip one time but he wouldn’t say why)
• insist everyone drop everything and come rescue you immediately
• stay with whoever “rescued” you, taking advantage of them, playing sick twisted mind games with everyone in the house, letting your dog shit and piss all over their house while you treat everyone like shit and fall back into alcoholism so badly that you throw up all over the house, pass out in random spots in the house, piss yourself regularly, and never clean up after yourself or your dog
• if anyone complains, pull out your self-diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and use it as permission to treat people however you want
• continue this until you get a new job
• clean up enough and work hard enough for your employers to begin really liking you for a few weeks or even months
• meet a guy who works/goes where you do

It’s the same exact thing every time. The only difference is where the guy lives.

• All but two of the guys lived with their mother -- they didn’t pay their mothers anything or help out in any way and most of them had suspended licenses for drug/alcohol related issues and insisted their mothers drive them anywhere they wanted to go
• Two of the guys slept IN THE SAME BED as their mothers
• One of those mothers pinned a sheet to the ceiling and draped it down the middle of the bed so Meagan and her son could have privacy and there was no door on the bathroom that was in the same room with the bed -- Meagan said they didn’t fuck in the bed, but they did in the shower because it was more private
• One guy lived on the open porch of his mom’s house (Meagan lived with him for about 4 months on the porch)
• All of the guys have severe drug and/or alcohol addiction

So Charlie is on his way to Colorado (where she was sent to go to rehab) right now to pick Meagan up after she called last night claiming the guy she met in rehab (great place to meet amiright?) had “gone crazy” and was “beating the shit out of me.”

Charlie has a temper, a short fuse, and no filter since his brain injury, and he’s driving up there alone so that Marissa can take care of customers at the shop.

I have a feeling Charlie is going to end up arrested for a confrontation between himself and the rehab guy because ALL of Meagan’s boyfriends have been cocky little fuckers, and twice now the only reason Charlie wasn’t arrested for getting into confrontations with her boyfriends was because when the cops came Charlie was like yeah I screwed up here’s exactly what I did and why and he’s charming so they let him off with a warning.

Now he’ll be up there without Marissa, me, or Madelyn to keep him from doing stupid shit.

Oh and Meagan has been banned from living in Charlie’s house, my house, and all my other cousins’ houses except Dominic, her brother. Stupid guy offered to let her live with him while she gets back on her feet.

His wife of only a few months doesn’t really know Meagan, and now I’m worried this is going to end his marriage because yeah Meagan is that much of a mindfucker.