human behavior question

I need help with a human issue. I don’t get humans very well, and I can’t ask my mom (who is very good at helping me understand human behavior) because my mom is the subject.

Here goes.

My mom is a very passionate person. She cares deeply and has SO MUCH compassion and empathy it’s like woah.

So when she talks about something, she can get intense, loud, and her face will get red, and your instinct is to be worried she’s gonna give herself a heart attack.

But she takes it as people shutting her down because they can’t handle the passionate way she talks.

Today we were talking with my psych doc -- me, my mom, and my dad -- about my dad’s psych issues and how my mom and I can’t take him anymore so something has to be done.

Everything was going fairly well. Dad was actually talking about things and open to discussion and my mom and I were filling things in and helping.

Pdoc asked a question about the past, and my mom really got into it, getting louder and hands waving, and she was loud about it. Not pissed, not lying, nothing bad about it other than her face was turning red and she was stuttering her way through it like she seemed distressed.

So my pdoc was like okay Madelyn I need you to calm down so you don’t hurt yourself, I’d rather you not have a have a heart attack or a seizure.

My mom shut right down. Because of course she takes it as being told to take a seat. That’s not how my pdoc meant it, but I do understand that my mom could take it as that.

After the appointment and my dad went to his room, my mom is fuming. She’s hurt. She’s upset.

I dared to say it was because pdoc was worried about her, so that didn’t go well, but I’m not so much asking this because I’m upset about her reaction to me. I’d genuinely like to know what to say to someone when this happens or how to help the situation.

My mom isn’t attacking people. She’s animated and can get loud and intense, but she’s trying to fully explain things and help, in this case, my dad and to let the pdoc know about my dad so he can get help.

Was the pdoc dismissing her? Was that the wrong way to say it? Should she have said anything? Is it just that people don’t like it or can’t handle it?

I have no problem with my mom doing it because I know the energy she has isn’t being directed at me in anger. She’s an impassioned speaker who deeply cares.

And this whole thing isn’t about me. I just want to understand it and I’d like to know how to deal with it, how to help. Remember that I’m schizophrenic and I don’t just absorb how to human like a lot of people do :D

Should I have stood up for my mom and told the pdoc hey let her speak? What’s going on when this type of thing is happening? Because pretty much everybody in her life has done the calm down thing with her.

My dad rolls his eyes and holds his hands up and I know that’s not a nice way of dealing with it.

Any advice here would be greatly appreciated. And if you’re just a passionate speaker yourself, maybe share with me how you feel about things?

i still don't understand

Okay it escalated quickly from there with dinner.

The basics are:

1) I’ve taken dignity and autonomy from my dad because -- and we agreed on this back when the pan/demic first started that I’m the one who deals with cleaning food coming in the house, anyone coming to the door, etc. because I’m the most ridiculous when it comes to germs and the most knowledgeable when it comes to cross contamination. “You won’t even let me answer the door and you tell me when I’m scratching my sores!” I’ve never physically stopped him from answering the door, I just answer the door like we agreed to. And I mention the scratching because HE ASKED ME TO since he’s breaking open healing sores

2) I’ve taken my mom’s dignity, voice, and self-worth because I let other people shut her down even though I don’t do it myself and I’m not asking others to do it

3) I control everything

4) I cook dinner too late in the day because apparently I want to torture them instead of quitting work at 3-4pm and starting dinner immediately, I stop work when the shop closes at 5pm and start dinner then

5) I don’t listen to either one of them even though that’s all I ever do is listen and they won’t ever shut up, especially my dad about his own problems that he obsesses over

6) I dismiss all of their problems

And like I know I don’t understand human behavior and emotions well, but is this real? Am I the jerk?

Am I taking their dignity and autonomy because I answer the front door wearing a mask and am careful about wiping things down when my parents forget to wear a mask and cross contaminate without even realizing it? When we agreed that’s how we’d do things? And they never mentioned they DON’T like that arrangement?

Am I torturing them by cooking them dinner and serving it at 6-7pm instead of 4-5pm?

Am I supposed to control how OTHER PEOPLE talk to them?

Am I dismissing their problems and their voice by listening to everything they say (maybe it’s because of the schizophrenia but I don’t have the ability to tune people out) and trying to fix any issues and helping them with stuff?

I feel like if I had a normal brain I would understand all of this, know what to do about it, or it wouldn’t have happened in the first place.

Do non-schizophrenics just GET this? Do you empathize and sympathize and understand how when I put X + Y into the mix it comes out as something that isn’t even an answer in the book?

I’m so confused.

Are they just overly emotional and hurt by other things and are taking it out on me? I know people do that and they don’t mean to hurt the people they take it out on, and if that’s what this is I can just go okay it’s not directed at me I’m just collateral damage.

But if it’s me, how do I change this?