Create the Light Part 4

[mayalaen]

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"Dean," Cas moaned, thoroughly enjoying his dream.

Dean was shoving him against a wall, and they were so turned on that they didn't even bother to shed any clothes. They were just rutting against one another, Dean holding his hips tightly enough to bruise, Cas doing the same to Dean's shoulders.

"More," Cas begged. He was close. So close. But Dean smiled at him and pulled away, suddenly gone. Cas gasped as he woke up, arms wrapped around a very real and very awake Dean.

"Well, don't stop on my account," Dean said, grinning at him.

Cas blushed so hard he thought he might pass out. They were face to face, Cas' left leg thrown over Dean's hip, and apparently he'd been humping the shit out of Dean, his right arm stuck under Dean's neck and his left wrapped around Dean's torso. Cas was still panting, dick so hard it hurt.

"Sorry," Cas said as started to pull away.

"Hey, I'm serious," Dean said, his right arm over top of Cas' left and holding tight, hand splayed over Cas' back. "You were having a good time and it sounded really fuckin' hot."

"Fuck," Cas hissed, his hips jerking forward. It had been so long since Dean had looked at him like that, since he'd held him like that.

"Oh, shit," Dean breathed. "You sound even hotter when you swear."

Cas smiled, not really having meant to use something he knew turned Dean on, but happy about the results nonetheless. He pulled Dean closer by wrapping his leg more tightly around Dean, and he felt Dean's erection.

"Morning sex is your favorite," Cas said, voice breathy and high from arousal.

"Fuck, yeah," Dean said, matching Cas' movements, grinding against him. "Yours?"

"Surprise sex," Cas said.

Dean let out a groan, closing his eyes as he leaned in and rested his forehead against Cas'. Cas let the fingers of his left hand wander toward Dean's ass, but stopped just before he reached the elastic of Dean's sleep pants.

"Oh, fuck!" Dean gasped, shivering against Cas as Cas used his secret weapon. "How'd you know I like-oh. Yeah. Of course you know I like it when you brush your fingers over the small of my back."

Cas chuckled as he moved his head enough to suck kisses into Dean's neck. "Missed you," Cas whispered.

"Fuck, Cas!" Dean said, bucking against him as he came, fingers digging into Cas' back as he kept thrusting, panting, whimpering.

"Missed you so much, Dean," Cas said, pushing Dean over halfway onto his back and rutting against him just the way he wanted to. He knew Dean didn't get too sensitive after coming, and in fact he'd get a kick out of the way Cas was desperately trying to finish.

"So fuckin' hot," Dean whispered, words slurred as he wrapped his hands around the sides of Cas' face and pulled him up. "Wanna see what you look like when you come."

And that was it. Cas was gone. Thrusting hard against Dean, mouth open as he made a gurgling noise that Dean insisted time after time was really sexy even though Cas doubted anybody but Dean would think so.

Dean smiled up at him, still holding his face. "I could get used to seeing that," he said.

Cas let out a huff of laughter. Dean had said those words years ago when they'd first started fucking. Cas loved it even more the second time.

"But now we're both going to stick to our pants," Dean said, not so much concerned as fishing for something.

Cas knew him all too well to pass up the chance. "I suppose we need a shower."

Dean chuckled. "Sounds like a good idea," he said then butted his forehead against Cas' like a cat would before he let go of Cas and rolled out of bed.

Cas watched him move, wondering if it was possible for his own chest to explode with happiness. The first time around, Dean had opened himself up quickly to Cas once they'd gotten intimate, but Cas had figured it was just because Dean didn't have as many responsibilities in life, he wasn't as tense, but this Dean was already head-butting him, something Cas had been very confused about the first time Dean had done it. He'd even asked Sam about it.

"C'mon," Dean said, grabbing a towel and heading for the door. "I'm not waiting around for you."

Sam had laughed at Cas' bewildered expression, but then had explained just how tactile Dean could be. Sure, the Winchesters were tactile anyway, but Sam had seen Dean with other lovers in casual settings, and he knew Dean used even more lingering touches and affectionate gestures.

"I'm coming," Cas said as he rolled out of bed.

It was something he loved about Dean. Of course he loved it because it was part of Dean's personality, but he also loved it because the casually intimate touches made him feel owned, loved, and even when they were in public it seemed as if Dean's mind never strayed because those touches just kept coming. It was almost as if Dean couldn't get enough of Cas, and that hadn't faded over the years.

Cas didn't have a towel in Dean's room, so he pulled open the drawer in Dean's nightstand, snagged the bottle of lube, then went to his own room and grabbed his towel before heading to the showers.

Dean was already naked and adjusting the temperature, so Cas walked up behind him and wrapped his arms around him, nuzzling at is back. Dean laughed as he took the bottle of lube from Cas' left hand.

"Somebody's assuming they're gonna get some," Dean said.

Cas knew Dean was teasing, but that there was also a bit of a question in his words. This Dean had no idea what they did together.

Dean turned in Cas' arms, smiling at him. "We had lots of sex, didn't we," he said instead of asked.

Cas chuckled. "Those first few months we didn't make it out of our bedroom very much."

"Months?" Dean asked, eyes wide.

"You felt the need to teach me everything I'd never done before," Cas said.

"You'd never... You've never been with anybody else?" Dean asked, an odd expression on his face.

Cas knew what it meant. He hadn't understood it the first time around, how a human could feel the weight of responsibility being the only one, the first one, but this time around he felt it himself, holding Dean, who hadn't been fucked by a man since before Hell.

"As an angel, I didn't really care. Once I pushed my grace back and realized how good sensations could feel, I wanted a lot of it," he said. He wasn't lying. Not really. Dean didn't need to know his grace wasn't going to be around much longer.

"So, uhm, Daphne?" he asked.

"She could tell I wasn't comfortable with it," Cas said. "She loved me anyway and said she was completely fine with a marriage where sex wasn't an option."

"Oh," Dean said, obviously surprised. "So why me?"

"Once I pushed my grace back," Cas said, voice soft as he leaned in closer and placed a gentle kiss on Dean's jawline, "I realized the attraction I felt to you was more than our bond, more than camaraderie, more than love. I didn't feel the same for Sam even though I love him and I'd do anything for him."

"Oh," Dean whispered.

"You make me hard," Cas said, looking Dean in the eye.

Dean opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Well, other than a really adorable squeak that Cas knew Dean would deny ever came out of him. Cas let his hands trail down Dean's back, fingertips brushing over the sensitive skin just above Dean's crack. He smiled as Dean shivered.

"I prefer a lot of lube," Cas said, grinning.

"Cas, I haven't...," Dean said, shaking his head a bit, eyes a little wounded.

"And I like it when you prepare me," Cas said, letting Dean off the hook.

"Fuck, Cas," Dean breathed, his cock hard between them.

"Your first time isn't going to be in the shower," Cas said, still teasing that sensitive skin. "I'm going to spread you out on the bed, take my time opening you up with my tongue and fingers, and then I'm going to make sure you're begging before I fuck you."

"Cas," Dean said, reaching up and grabbing the sides of Cas' head, bottle of lube awkwardly behind Cas' ear as Dean kissed him, turning them both around until Cas' back was to the shower wall, the water falling down over Dean's head and back, but missing Cas completely.

Dean had done this before. He'd fucked guys since Hell, and even if he hadn't, Cas was ready. He wanted Dean inside him. Cas took the bottle from Dean's fingers as he shoved his tongue into Dean's mouth, giving just as good as he got. He took hold of Dean's right wrist and pulled it down between them, not bothering to stop the kiss as he squirted what was most likely way too much lube into Dean's palm before guiding Dean's hand to his ass.

Dean pushed between Cas' ass cheeks, his middle finger finding Cas' hole. "I'm not gonna last long even though we just came in bed. No judging."

Cas chuckled. "The first time you sucked me off, I came before you were able to go all the way down."

"Fuck," Dean gasped as he circled Cas' hole, the lube making everything sloppy.

"I couldn't figure out why you choked if you'd done it before," Cas said. "You didn't tell me. You just said it was because you were so excited."

"Did I ever tell you?" Dean asked as he pushed his middle finger into Cas.

Cas moaned, spreading his legs a little. "Yes, but only after we'd watched some porn together and I asked why the plumber kept telling the other guy he was coming long before he actually came. That was about six months after we'd started fucking. I think you liked that I didn't know to warn you."

"So I choked myself every time?" Dean asked, fucking Cas hole slowly with his finger.

"No," Cas said. "I'm very vocal, and you enjoyed learning every noise I made and what it meant."

Dean pushed a second finger in, his left hand wrapping around Cas' cock as he kissed Cas' neck and shoulder. "I suppose you know I love it when you're vocal in bed."

Cas couldn't quite tell if Dean was happy about that or tossing it out there when it really was something that upset him. "Does that bother you? Does it bother you that I've lived years with you, done all those things with you?"

Dean's fingers slowed just a bit inside his hole as he pulled back to look Cas in the eye. "I'm not gonna lie. There's a part of me that's jealous. I wish I could have all those memories. I wish I could've been there for the first time you experienced so many things. But there's a bigger part of me that's just happy to have you at all. It was me you were with, me you want so much it hurts, and whatever it is we have in the future was good enough that you were freaked out over the thought of having fucked that up."

"I get to see your first times twice," Cas said with a lopsided grin.

To anyone else, it would've been hurtful, teasing, but Cas knew Dean. He loved pleasing his partners, and it always meant more to him when he was able to do something for someone else, to watch them experience what he'd done for them. Cas knew Dean would get a kick out of the fact that Cas was excited over seeing all of Dean's firsts again.

Dean chuckled. "I've done a lot of shit," he said, teasing. "I don't have many firsts left."

"Yeah, you do," Cas said confidently. "You have all of them because they'll be with me."

Dean's smile made the skin at the corners of his eyes crinkle. "I love it when you're cocky and sure of yourself."

"I know," Cas said, squeezing around Dean's fingers to remind him of what they were doing. "Now fuck me."

And then Dean was turning him around, giving his cock a few more tugs before wrapping his right arm around Cas' middle and slowly pushing his own cock into Cas' hole with his left hand.

"Dean!" Cas gasped, reaching back to pull Dean closer when Dean froze with worry. "No. More!"

Dean chuckled, a low sound that was dirty and fucking hot. When he'd finally pushed all the way in, Dean held him tightly, both arms wrapped around him, but he didn't move.

"Oh, fuck, Cas!" Dean hissed as Cas squeezed around his cock. "Stop or this is gonna be over embarrassingly fast."

Cas didn't stop. "Are you forgetting you've already got me? That I've seen you at your worst and your best, and I'm still here? Premature ejaculation isn't going to stop me."

Dean's breathing stuttered as he gave up and just started fucking Cas, his forehead resting against Cas' shoulder as his right hand wrapped around Cas' cock, stroking him fast and without any finesse, without doing any of the things Cas' husband knew Cas liked. But it was good, it was Dean, and Cas wouldn't trade it for anything.

"Fuck, I'm gonna come, Cas," Dean panted in his ear. "You gonna come?"

"Yeah," Cas said, but he wasn't nearly as close as Dean. Coming with Dean less than a half hour ago had taken the urgency out of everything, but he didn't care. He had Dean.

"Cas, oh f-fuck, Cas!" Dean hissed as he came, not so much fucking into Cas anymore as he was rolling.

Cas loved it. Dean was such a sensual lover, and even though Cas had never experienced anything else himself, he'd seen enough porn to know that the way Dean squirmed and rolled his hips and held him even tighter was all Dean.

"C'mere," Dean said, pulling out and dropping to his knees.

Cas turned around, groaning when Dean pushed him against the wall and sucked his cock, hands holding Cas in place as Cas' thighs shook and his fingers slid over the tiles. It didn't take long, and soon Cas was coming down Dean's throat.

Dean choked hard. It was like the first time all over again. Eyes watering, cheeks pink, and some of Cas' come leaking out of the corners of his mouth as he tried to stop himself, tried to keep his gag reflex under control.

Cas wiped the stray tears from Dean's cheeks before pulling him up and kissing him, licking into his mouth and tasting himself there. When Cas finally pulled back, smiling at Dean, Dean chuckled.

"You enjoyed that," Dean accused, voice hoarse.

"Yes. Both times," Cas said.

Dean snorted, shaking his head. "It's a good thing you're adorable."

"Oh, c'mon!" Sam yelled from the doorway. "You know that shit gets stuck in the drains, right, guys? Not in the showers!" he grumbled as he walked away.

Cas laughed as Dean's cheeks flushed. "Sam knows," Cas said with a grin.

"I gathered that," Dean said, rolling his eyes.

"And the water's still warm," Cas said, reaching for the soap. "You got me dirty again, so it's only fair you clean me up."

Dean chuckled. "Yes, sir," he said as he took the soap.

*

Cas had done it to himself. Really. He'd tried to save Sam and Dean months of heartache. He'd tried to save Kevin. But what he hadn't realized was just how much all of that had affected Dean, how it had pushed him into getting the Mark and in the end saving the world. He forgot how it had been a mountain of shit that had Dean searching for anything that would fix something, anything that would help.

And Cas had fixed those fucked-up things, changing the course of their lives, and he knew he had to convince Dean to take that huge risk once more. He'd have to do it without the pain that had pushed Dean the first time around.

Cas knew Dean. Knew him too well. But he didn't know how to do it without hurting him. He ran his fingers through Dean's hair as the man slept beside him, and all he could think about was just how much Dean had been hurting, how bad things had gotten if Dean had been willing to risk it all.

He was still recovering from healing Dean, so he couldn't use his grace to force Dean into taking on the Mark and releasing the Darkness. But even if he could force Dean, he wouldn't. He respected Dean too much, loved him too much.

Cas crawled out of bed carefully. Dean was a light sleeper, but something about his comfort level around Cas usually allowed Cas some leeway, and it proved true again as he padded out into the hallway, Dean still fast asleep.

"Sam?" Cas said, standing in Sam's doorway.

"Yeah?" Sam said, looking up from his book as he lay in bed, reading by the light of his bedside lamp.

"Mind if I ask for some advice?" Cas asked.

Sam set the book down on the nightstand, smiling. "C'mon in," he said, patting the spot next to him.

Cas climbed onto the bed and rested back against the wall as Sam sat up and mirrored his position, turned slightly toward each other.

"I need to get Dean to do something," Cas said, wincing.

"Something...?" Sam drawled. "I need a little more info."

Cas tried to figure out how to say it without telling any of the details that might change how Sam behaved in the future. "Something that he needs to do so we can get to that place we all want to be."

"Ah, okay," Sam said nodding. "Well, can you tell either of us what he needs to do?"

"Yes," Cas said. "I just can't tell you why."

"So what's the problem?" Sam asked, shrugging.

"It's not the most attractive option," Cas said with a slight grimace.

Sam frowned. "But it won't hurt him, right?"

Cas winced, remembering how Dean had died at Metatron’s hand the first time around. Since Sam hadn’t been possessed by Gadreel and Kevin hadn’t died, he was certain that particular outcome had been averted, but Dean still had to get the Mark of Cain, and Cas knew what it would do to him. “Not physically, no. But it won’t be pleasant for him, or us, for that matter.”

Sam thought about that. “But it’s necessary?”

That was one thing Cas wasn’t conflicted about. “Yes.”

“What is it?” Sam asked, frowning.

“I shouldn’t tell you before I tell Dean,” Cas said.

"Okay,” Sam said, nodding in understanding. “So just tell him what he needs to do."

"Just tell him?" Cas asked, brow furrowing.

Sam smiled. "Yeah. He knows you’ve seen what it leads to, and we all want to get there, so just tell him. I think you might be surprised."

"Just...," Cas said, still really fucking unsure of himself.

"Go now," Sam said, patting Cas' leg. "Wake him up, tell him what he has to do, and tell him you can't say why. Discuss it if you have to, and then you guys can fill me in in the morning."

"Tell him,” Cas said, as though contemplating the very notion. “That’s your advice?” He didn’t sound upset, just surprised.

"Yeah," Sam said, nodding as he pushed at him. "Go on. Tell him."

Cas gaped at him for a moment, then nodded. "Okay. But if you hear yelling, you'll know your advice didn't work."

Sam chuckled. "Hey, you're the one who said I give great advice."

Cas slid off the bed. "You're not going to forget that, are you?"

Sam grinned. "Nope."

Cas sighed as he walked out of the room and down the hallway. This was it. He needed to fix the things he'd set off course. He gathered his courage as he walked up to Dean's bed and reached out and gave Dean's arm a little shake.

"Mmm, what's wrong?" Dean asked, opening his eyes and turning onto his back to he could look up at Cas.

"I need you to do something," Cas said.

"Okay," Dean said.

"I need you to take on the Mark of Cain to fight Abaddon," Cas said bluntly.

Dean frowned. “You mean the wrestler? Kane?”

Cas rolled his eyes. “No. Cain, as in Cain and Abel.”

Dean’s eyes widened slightly. “Oh.”

“He can only give it to someone who’s worthy and you are,” Cas hurried to explain. “I can’t tell you why or how I know that, but..."

“But it needs to happen for things to turn out like they were in your future,” Dean surmised when Cas’ words trailed off.

Cas looked miserable. “Yes,” he said quietly.

Dean grabbed Cas' hand and yanked him down onto the bed with him, spooning up behind him and snuggling. "Okay."

"Okay, what?" Cas said, confused.

"If you say I need to get the Mark of Cain, I’ll get the Mark of Cain," Dean said.

"Wait, that's it? You're just going to do it?" Cas asked.

"I trust you," Dean said, yawning.

"Oh, uhm, okay," Cas said, the horrible knot in his stomach finally relaxing.

Dean kissed his neck. "We'll track Cain down tomorrow and I'll talk to him."

"Okay," Cas said.

He listened as Dean drifted off to sleep again. The Mark meant the end of this Dean. The end of a Dean anyone else recognized for a while. Cas knew he had to do it. He had to let the influence of the Mark take over. He had no choice if he wanted that future for everyone, and he wanted it so badly he could taste it.

He could smell the barbecues where Dean would grill steaks and corn on the cob and potatoes. He could hear the laughter of Sam's children as they ran around the backyard while Sam chased them. He could feel the warmth of his husband holding him in their bed, the blankets wrapped around them. He could see them happy, a family that had survived it all, living out the life none of them ever thought they'd have.

If he could just keep all that close to his heart, he might survive losing Dean again for a while.

*

"So I've been thinking," Dean announced as he walked into the library, scratching his belly, hand up underneath his shirts.

Cas and Sam looked up from the witch's notebook and spellbook respectively, Sam pushing the spellbook away and rubbing his eyes.

"This whole secrecy thing sucks," Dean said, walking up to the end of the table and leaning on it, palms down on the surface. "What's happened to us every time we've gone off and done shit on our own?"

Sam turned to Cas, shrugging and an expression on his face that said 'I've got nothing.'

"We fuck up," Dean said bluntly.

"Well, I've done some cool shit on my own," Sam said, frowning.

Cas nodded. "Me too. Though I've also made mistakes."

"Okay, okay," Dean said, straightening up before he pulled out a chair and flopped down on it. He gave Cas' chair leg a little tap with the toe of his boot. "But what happens when we all work together to face down evil shit?"

"We get shit done," Sam said, ending the sentence almost as if it was a question.

"Yahtzee," Dean said, pointing at Sam. "So you," he said, turning to look at Cas again, "are gonna spill. Every dirty secret, everything you think is gonna fuck everything up, and everything we did wrong in the world the witch showed you so we can do this right. Maybe we can avoid some of the bad shit and possibly even move the timeline up some."

"From what I've read," Cas said, "there was a reason she wanted me to see the future. Otherwise she would've used the spells on either of you."

"Did you find any notes from her saying why she chose only you?" Dean asked.

"No," Cas admitted, nervously playing with the bottom edge of the notebook.

"C'mon, Cas," Dean said, lowering his voice and tapping the leg of Cas' chair again with his boot. "Maybe she needed you to be able to work the spells, and that's why she chose you. Maybe she thought you'd tell us what happened. Maybe it doesn't have to be a secret."

Sam sighed as he leaned forward, putting his elbows on the table. "The zombie bird hunt. We fucked up because we did things differently."

"I didn't mean for that to happen," Cas said, wincing.

"I know," Sam said, holding his hands up in a calming gesture. "I'm not saying this to rake you over the coals. I'm saying this because now we know the outcome of at least one way of doing things. Think about everything we've got in front of us and see if you can pick out any of them that would run more smoothly if we did things just a little differently."

Cas glanced at the tumbler on the table, only one third full of Sam's shake. He tried to look away quickly, but Dean caught on. Of course he did. And Cas probably allowed something to show on his face too.

"You didn't give that to Sam the last time," Dean said, nodding his head toward the shake.

Cas looked down at the notebook. "No."

"What happened?" Sam asked. "You said I was alive, so what happened?"

"It didn't turn out well," Cas said. "You recovered, but bad things happened."

"Okay, stop," Dean said, voice loud enough that Cas flinched. "If you're trying to save our feelings or you're hiding things because you think we'll do them over again, just stop. The more we know, the more we can work with this."

"Even if it hurts?" Cas asked, voice almost a whisper.

Dean nodded. "Rip it off like a band-aid. You changed something, and it turned out better this time around. If you come clean, maybe we can do that with everything we fucked up the first time around."

Cas turned to Sam. "Things were very different. There were reasons for the decisions we made."

Sam blinked at him a moment. "Did I fuck something up?" he asked, sitting up straighter in his seat.

"No," Cas said.

"Dude," Dean said, "spit it out."

"Can't we start with something else first?" Cas asked, trying to force a smile.

"What do we need to tell you?" Sam asked. "What can we say that would make you believe we need the information?"

"It's not that I think you don't need it," Cas said. "And I understand why you both think this is a good idea. But where we are now isn't where the three of us were in that other world. The Trials took a lot out of you. You were dying," he said as he looked at Sam, then he turned to Dean, "and you were desperate to save him."

"Desperate," Dean repeated. "Meaning I did something that fucked up our relationship," he said, nodding his head toward Sam.

"What?" Sam said, frowning. "Why would your mind automatically jump to that conclusion?"

Dean looked at Sam, then at Cas. "Because that's probably the one thing Cas wouldn't want to tell us." He watched Cas swallow nervously. "Isn't that right Cas?"

"Okay, Cas," Sam said, getting his attention, "I need you to listen to me. If you think whatever you have to say is going to tear us apart or make things worse, I don't blame you. But we have a goal that we didn't have before. The look in your eyes says there's a future out there that all of us really want. We didn't have that hope before. We were just surviving. If Dean did something to me in that other world that hurt me, then we'll deal with it, but you've gotta remember that the Dean sitting here right now didn't do it. I don't know what happened, but maybe he did the only thing he could think of. The three of us have done a lot of things out of desperation. Giving us a leg up on what's coming has to be the priority."

"And if he's that pissed at me," Dean said, smirking, "I'll let him kick my ass."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Like you'd have to let me."

Cas huffed out a laugh, but quickly sobered again when he remembered what he was about to tell them. And he was going to do it. His stomach was clenching and every human instinct was warring inside him, screaming at him to stop, that this wasn't the answer.

"Like I said, you were dying," Cas said, looking at Sam. "And an angel offered to heal you if Dean let them possess you."

Sam flinched as he looked first at Dean, then down at the spellbook in front of him. It took him a moment, but finally he nodded. "Okay. You changed that. It didn't happen. We're doing things right this time around," he said, nostrils flaring just a bit.

The smile on Sam's face was forced, but Cas could tell Sam was processing, not furious. A quick look at Dean said he was doing the same thing.

In that moment Cas realized they were right. They were a team. They'd taken on evil together before and won. Fighting against that hadn't done any of them any good. Cas could prepare them, and they could fight together.

"I guess I have a lot to tell you, then," Cas said.

_____

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